Exposed Testicles

I swim at the local municipal pool. As such, my weekly swim stats reflect meters swum, time elapsed and testicles exposed.

Due to rehabilitation for spinal and pelvic injuries caused due to a disagreement between me, my bike and a car, I spend more time in a pool – often with triathletes – than I would desire. Bombing and the quest for the perfect handstand is frowned upon. There are not even any slides or flumes. This shit is serious.

I was with a prospective client recently. The business side done, we settled into an amiable conversation about training, and local facilities. For some reason I told him of the old chap at our pool who seems to have a habit of letting his lychees out the bag at inopportune moments. This sometimes happens whilst I am coming in for the turn as he stands in the lane – resting. With about 5m to go, I catch a fleeting glance of his testicles. It is always a shock, and I question that I have really seen what I have seen, but by the time I have returned he is out the pool, gone.

The difficulty is whether this is just him having a post swim rummage, – or something more sinister. I was chuckling to myself at the absurdity of both the situation and the conversation when I glanced up to see the client had turned ashen.

Silence fell. He physically slumped on his seat. He looked up, with desperate eyes and said;

“That happened to me as a young man”.

I was distraught. Panic rose in me. I had no idea how to handle a situation like this. A situation of my own making. I gently reached out and touched his elbow – as tenderly as possible. I was practically holding him upright. “I am so sorry. There are no words”.

We lapsed back into silence.

“I was only having an itch and the next thing I knew I was in a police cell”

There are times in your life when you disgrace yourself. There are moments you look back on and wish you were a better human being. I am ashamed to admit that the relief and laughter bubbled up inside me and there was simply nothing I could do to contain it. I sat and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I didn’t get the contract.